It is not very often that I look back on my life with any kind of magnifying glass. I have done what I did in full acceptance of the outcome and shoulder the full responsibility of my actions. Well, except for a few occasions and I am not about to put that into print at this time. My kids are at the stage right now where they seem to be cataloging my somewhat nefarious past and hold it up to their own pristine image. Some people on the other hand look back on their life with pride, maybe because they took a walk on the edge of life and lived to talk about it. My oldest brother Michael is one of those types. Whether it was barreling down a dusty country road and sliding into a four wheel drift around a corner, or lining his water skis up to a jump a rock formation or crawling through a jungle swamp. He did it all, albeit, sometimes without thinking about it too much before hand.
Back when he was a teenager and thinking that a rural Canadian life wasn’t exciting enough, he enlisted in the American Army en route to becoming a member of the famed Green Beret. During enlistment he endured a catastrophic earthquake measuring 9.2 on the Richter scale in Alaska in 1964 and then went on to serve a number of tours in Vietnam. He seemed to come out of it all with his sense of humor intact, granted, he has a little skewered outlook on the rest of the world, but at least he is breathing. Most people who have met him have all remarked in some way or another that God must have broken the mold when He came up with Mike. In all honesty, I think God more than likely was wondering where the Hell that mold come from in the first place.
Back in the early ‘60s when my brothers and I were very young and very little, we were all a little rambunctious. In those days, cars had interiors that were the size of a suburban living room. Given such a free reign, we bounced all over the place. From the front seat over into the backseat, from side to side and even reclining quite comfortably in the rear window, curled up like a cat sleeping in the sunlight. With this backdrop, Mike set up a safety practice for us that he must have picked up somewhere. He told us that in the event of an oncoming car swerving from their lane, hitting our car head-on and allowing our untethered bodies to be catapulted through the windscreen, he would at random “test” us. When he yelled the word, “crash”, the three of us would hit the floorboards of the car and in the case of an accident, we would be saved by not flying past him and messing up the front portion of the car. It became almost a game, as it would sometimes happen a few times in the same night. One recent evening, I was reflecting on how far forward Mike’s thinking was in those days. Way before the idea of seat belts were even thought about, here was this teenager planning how to save his little brothers in the case of an accident. As I thought about this for a while, I realized that I had lived under an illusion for over 45 years. The little light bulb that lay dimmed for so long, finally turned on in my mind. I do not doubt for a second that Mike was thinking of our safety in utilizing this practice, but I think another motive might have been the germ of the idea.
Take yourself back to a summers’ evening in the late 1950's or early 1960's. There was more than likely a new Beach Boys tune playing on the radio. Mike would have his bent elbow sticking out the window, the wind trying to blow through his richly Bryclemed hair, a pack of Exports rolled up in the sleeve of his shirt. He was just a cool kid cruisin’ the country roads. Well, as cool as you can be with 3 yammering, screaming brothers slithering about the car. Not a very cool sight indeed. There in the distance, he sees a couple of cute girls from Ernestown High School walking along the highway. He knows his image is on the line. Does he want to be seen ferrying around a marauding band of younger brothers? “CRASH!!” he yells, and the heads of those uncool brothers disappear as quick as a flash and he sails by the girls with a slight nod of his head, a crooked finger pointing at them and an Elvis smirk on his lips. In hindsight, I think it was a touch of genius.
I did pick up a few life lessons from Mike over the years. The first and foremost to me was that sex, drugs and rock and roll were far more fun and far less dangerous than guns, bullets and bombs (note to my children reading this... that was a phrase popularized in the ‘70s and neither a confession nor admission of any wrong doing on my behalf). I am happy to point out that he is now come over to my point of view on this matter. The other lesson he imparted was to always check your parachute before jumping out of a plane. Just where and when I will use this last piece of advice, I don’t know. As a metaphor, it seems to fit for a good many things in life and in a practical sense, it served him well. All in all, given some of the other lessons I could have learned from him, this seems like sound advice to pass along.
Friday, March 6, 2009
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Marriage Math
Wt+1= a + r1Wt + IHW(Ht) Ht+1 = b + r2Ht + IWH (W1)
I don’t know what the world is coming to, although I am sure someone, somewhere given the right amount of funding will be able to tell me. According to Professor James Murray of the University of Washington, the above formulations are the equations for the chances of a husband and wife getting a divorce. I won’t bore you with all of the variables, suffice to say the W = wife and H = husband and uses such items as time, influence, constant state of mind and the ability to change ones state of mind. Seems to me that there are a lot more elements that make up a relationship than just that. According to these experts, nothing is really left to chance. Working from the “non-linear dynamic model” branch of mathematics, everything, no matter how unseemingly unassociated, can be shown to be relative to everything else. In an example shown in the film, “A Beautiful Mind”, a mathematical equation was given to predict the path of falling leaves from a tree. For all of you who predicted the path as “generally down”, a bonus point. This “chaos” theory proposes that there is a predictability in random events. In other words, everything that will occur, has a mathematical predictability. This flies directly in the face of Benjamin Franklin, who thought that the only things that are certain in life are death and taxes. Although, if you are wealthy and influential enough, I have to concede, even the tax part is not all that certain. Death, however is still a certainty.
In the old days, marriage was something that you worked at, not worked out. Today, at least according to these people, you can sit down and work out the variables of the equation and determine what chance your marriage has to last. If you think you need a mathematical model to figure that out, you might as well not walk down the aisle. If there was ever a self-fulfilling prophecy, this one would be it.
The study conducted by Prof. Murray and his associates began 10 years ago and involved 700 couple who were married or planned on getting married. The couples chatted for 15 minutes and had everything they said or how they reacted to their mate recorded. Each of these were weighed with a positive or negative score and then the figures were plugged into the equations. The researchers claim a success rate of 94 percent of predictability. If I had only known that life could be that easy. Now, I read that a Dr. Bernard Guerney of something called the National Institute of Relationship Enhancement , has suggested that maybe governments should make this test mandatory prior to marriage. Where do they find these people? Have they ever checked their credentials? That sheepskin hanging on the wall of his office, does it say anything about the University of Crackerjack Box? I too, could easily call myself the Sitting President of the National Research Library of the Nominally Sane, Ontario Chapter. A title does not make one intelligent or important. Unless that title is “my wife”.
Now, I am not a prominent psychologist nor am I an able mathematician, but common sense needs to prevail someplace in this world. If the success of a marriage can be established by a 15 minute oral test, then maybe I should develop my own test of the durability of marriage. I would say that after many years of marriage, I do carry a little experience in all of this. Granted, the success of this marriage was not all my doing, in fact a very valid argument could be made the other way, at least according to my wife. So here are the variables for the equation for the wife, where Wt+1 = how the wife reacts to the husbands conversation, T = hours after supper that a husband comes home t = time of the month, SI = Inherited Stupidity, R = Rational Thought Index, I = Degree of Impact, V = velocity of handiest heavy object and MX = Matrix-like move Index and whereas the higher the sum total of the equation, the greatest likelihood of impending doom.
Wt+1= T(t4) + (SI - R)(IV/MX)
and for the husbands’ equation. Where Ht+1 = How the husband reacts to the wife’s conversation, b+1 = the beer factor, C = Need of Children Index, NB = New Boat Desire, F = “Fine” factor, YM = Your Mother Ratio, R = Rational Thought Index, and P = Nights on Pullout couch and again, the higher the number, the better the chances of divorce.
Ht+1(b+1) = {(C/NB) + (F4-YM) - R}P
To me, this is as valid as the original equation, at least it all makes sense to me.
I don’t know what the world is coming to, although I am sure someone, somewhere given the right amount of funding will be able to tell me. According to Professor James Murray of the University of Washington, the above formulations are the equations for the chances of a husband and wife getting a divorce. I won’t bore you with all of the variables, suffice to say the W = wife and H = husband and uses such items as time, influence, constant state of mind and the ability to change ones state of mind. Seems to me that there are a lot more elements that make up a relationship than just that. According to these experts, nothing is really left to chance. Working from the “non-linear dynamic model” branch of mathematics, everything, no matter how unseemingly unassociated, can be shown to be relative to everything else. In an example shown in the film, “A Beautiful Mind”, a mathematical equation was given to predict the path of falling leaves from a tree. For all of you who predicted the path as “generally down”, a bonus point. This “chaos” theory proposes that there is a predictability in random events. In other words, everything that will occur, has a mathematical predictability. This flies directly in the face of Benjamin Franklin, who thought that the only things that are certain in life are death and taxes. Although, if you are wealthy and influential enough, I have to concede, even the tax part is not all that certain. Death, however is still a certainty.
In the old days, marriage was something that you worked at, not worked out. Today, at least according to these people, you can sit down and work out the variables of the equation and determine what chance your marriage has to last. If you think you need a mathematical model to figure that out, you might as well not walk down the aisle. If there was ever a self-fulfilling prophecy, this one would be it.
The study conducted by Prof. Murray and his associates began 10 years ago and involved 700 couple who were married or planned on getting married. The couples chatted for 15 minutes and had everything they said or how they reacted to their mate recorded. Each of these were weighed with a positive or negative score and then the figures were plugged into the equations. The researchers claim a success rate of 94 percent of predictability. If I had only known that life could be that easy. Now, I read that a Dr. Bernard Guerney of something called the National Institute of Relationship Enhancement , has suggested that maybe governments should make this test mandatory prior to marriage. Where do they find these people? Have they ever checked their credentials? That sheepskin hanging on the wall of his office, does it say anything about the University of Crackerjack Box? I too, could easily call myself the Sitting President of the National Research Library of the Nominally Sane, Ontario Chapter. A title does not make one intelligent or important. Unless that title is “my wife”.
Now, I am not a prominent psychologist nor am I an able mathematician, but common sense needs to prevail someplace in this world. If the success of a marriage can be established by a 15 minute oral test, then maybe I should develop my own test of the durability of marriage. I would say that after many years of marriage, I do carry a little experience in all of this. Granted, the success of this marriage was not all my doing, in fact a very valid argument could be made the other way, at least according to my wife. So here are the variables for the equation for the wife, where Wt+1 = how the wife reacts to the husbands conversation, T = hours after supper that a husband comes home t = time of the month, SI = Inherited Stupidity, R = Rational Thought Index, I = Degree of Impact, V = velocity of handiest heavy object and MX = Matrix-like move Index and whereas the higher the sum total of the equation, the greatest likelihood of impending doom.
Wt+1= T(t4) + (SI - R)(IV/MX)
and for the husbands’ equation. Where Ht+1 = How the husband reacts to the wife’s conversation, b+1 = the beer factor, C = Need of Children Index, NB = New Boat Desire, F = “Fine” factor, YM = Your Mother Ratio, R = Rational Thought Index, and P = Nights on Pullout couch and again, the higher the number, the better the chances of divorce.
Ht+1(b+1) = {(C/NB) + (F4-YM) - R}P
To me, this is as valid as the original equation, at least it all makes sense to me.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
A Boxed Culinary Delight
How many times have you opened a package and taken a look at some of the more bizarre instruction manuals that come with a product? I remember opening a package of chemical fireplace logs and finding the warning that the contents of the box were flammable. You think so? There are countless examples of these strange pronouncements all over the web or floating around in those constantly forwarded email jokes. But as I always enjoying a challenge, I tried to replicate a manual. My children’s birthdays are all in late winter/early spring, so when they decamped for university our birthday rituals of celebrating with a cake was disrupted. To help ease their loneliness (or maybe mine), on their birthdays I sent an overnight shipment that held a frozen iced slab cake, a box of candles, some tubes of decorating icing, some candies and my instructions on how to proceed with the package.
Here it is as follows, if you would like to download a copy of it
http://www.filefactory.com/file/a1hd2c5/n/Boxed_Culinary_Experience_Instruction_Manual_2008.pdf :
A picture of the decorated cake is at the end of the manual.
Boxed Culinary Delight©
Instruction Manual - Version 2.56784
To glean the most out of your Boxed Culinary Delight© please follow the simple to use instructions as follows; Tradition usually dictates that you start on Step One.
1) Open Box and remove the Culinary Delight© .
2) Retrieve the candied writing utensils from the packaging and apply to the surface of the Culinary Delight© that is pleasing to your eye. That is not implying that the candied substance should be applied in your eye. Candied substance is often used to impart messages of well being or greetings on the surface of your culinary delight. It has been determined that using phrases such as, “Happy Birthday Dickwad”, does not elicit the positive emotional response that is intended by this product. It is recommended that a phrase such as “Happy Birthday Catherine” is much more appropriate. NOTE. If you have used this suggestion and decorated your Culinary Delight© with this phrase and your name is not Catherine then you have breached the intellectual guidelines and the warranty is rendered NULL and VOID. Please see the warranty section of this manual.
3) Although a large part of a pleasant experience with your Culinary Delight© , the element of surprise in not recommended for the preparation of your Culinary Delight© . If you attempt to apply the candied substance while blindfolded in an attempt to surprise yourself, you may being causing harm to the environment as well as inflicting emotional scars on anyone who has to look at it.
4) Once Step 3 is completed you may enjoy the delectable taste of your Culinary Delight© . However, if the product tastes like a combination of Kraft processed cheese slices (available where laws are applicable) and a MacDonald’s hamburger (available where no culinary laws are applicable), then please refer back to Step One and ensure you have followed that step precisely. If you have already applied the candied substance to the box and not the Culinary Delight© , please scrape the candied substance off the box and reinsert it back into the appropriately colored tubes and then restart the procedure on the surface of your Culinary Delight© and not the box. Do not spend more than 4 hours inserting the candied substance back into the squeezable tubes as this has shown to cause irreparable damage to central nervous systems. Any attempt to reinsert candied substance into the tubes using any combination of your mouth, lips and a drinking straw will rendered the warranty, NULL and VOID.
5) Once the previous Steps have been successfully completed, please remove from the accompanying box the wax colored sticks and insert them in the surface of the Culinary Delight© . In some cultures each wax colored stick represents a single year of life or in some cases represents one basis point in your IQ (please note that there are only 20 wax sticks in the package). Insert the wax sticks with the white fluffy end up, this is used for the incendiary portion of the Culinary Delight© . At the appropriate time, when all wax sticks are in place, strike a match to ignite the fluffy white end of the wax sticks. If at this time, there is a sickening odor of burning flesh, then there is a distinct possibility that you have grasped the wrong end of the match and are causing an extreme amount of pain to yourself. Before any further damage, please extinguish the fire and repeat this step once again holding the other end of the match.
6) Once the previous steps have been completed and the fire department has left, the Culinary Delight© should be presented in the appropriate manner. In certain societies, birthday greetings are often sung to the recipient at this time. If at all possible do not enjoy this moment alone. If necessary pay someone to attend. This will make your culinary experience all the more delightful. If you are alone at this time and as you stare forlornly at the Culinary Delight© you start singing in woeful tones, “Happy Birthday to Me”. Simply blow out the offending colored wax sticks and go cry in the corner. Unfortunately, this moment will probably stick with you until the termination of all life functions.
7) Enjoy your Culinary Delight© . Product is not intended to be saved and used in a yearly fashion. Please dispose of in an environmentally friendly manner. If necessary, flush twice.
WARRANTY
This product is prohibited by law in the states, provinces and regions where sensibility and reason are the primary foundation of a just and fair society.
The product warranty is rendered NULL and VOID if this is written or read in the English language. If this instruction manual is presently being read in an obscure dialect of East Timourian German or any other language recognized by the Null and Void Act of Congress (1832), then product is NULL and VOID. If this is the case, please refer back to the beginning of this section and re-read it in English. Please repeat this procedure until the instructions are clearly recognized as English. This raises a distinct philosophical question as to the concept of a universal language that is interpreted by the eyes of the preceptor. For example, if you hold this manual upside down, reflected in a mirror and read while crossing your eyes, skipping rope on one foot and humming, “Mary Had a Little Lamb” and still understand its’ content, my point has been proven. If however, this is witnessed by anybody except close family, please prepare yourself to be admitted to your local mental health facility.
This NULL and VOID is not to be confused with the wildly popular Icelandic throat humming duo Knull and Vöyd. Whose collection of their interpretation of Barry Manilow’s hit singles is sweeping the Inuit communities. However caution must be expressed as reports have trickled in that Inuit hunters’ who listen to repeated playing of “Copacabana” have caused inappropriate sexual behavior with their hunted seals. These seals, of course have no relationship to Seals and Crofts, an American singing duo or Hall and Oates another American singing duo, which ironically have no relationship to the Country group Haulin’ Oats. Previous studies have shown an increased occurrence of suicidal ideation in any group forced to listen to any rendition of Barry Manilow songs.
For this warranty to be in effect, product must be returned in its’ original packaging, with its’ original sales receipt and it’s original salesperson attached. It must be returned in person to our Head Office located in a small building beside the smelly cheese shop located in Kuala Lumpur. Please note that our offices are not open on the second Tuesday of every month as it is laundry day in Kuala Lumpur. It is also advised not to visit Kuala Lumpur on the second Monday of every month because you would never notice just the smelly cheese shop and it makes for a very unpleasant work day.
This product is NULL and VOID when all conditions are not met to the satisfaction of whoever is working the phones that day. He or she may decide what is NULL and VOID and what isn’t NULL and VOID. In fact I just like writing NULL and VOID for the sheer enjoyment of everything NULL and VOID. NULL and VOID. NULL & VOID, NULL/VOID ,N&V. EL NULLO de VOIDO.
To acknowledge acceptance of this warranty you must sign below where indicated by the “X”. If your signature is an “X” then note that this is not your signature, just a regular “X”to indicate where to make your mark. Please sign it here. Not here. There. At the bottom by the “X”. If you had to re-read any part of that this warranty is NULL and VOID.
It has occurred to me that this warranty is longer than the instruction manual, which is appropriate because we have no intention of ever refunding your money or the product. If you received product as a gift, please do not feel that this in any way represents how important people feel you are in their lives. They sent this as an after thought or out of some guilt feelings. It is probably their way of trying to avoid getting a phone call from you in the dead of the night wondering where you went wrong.. This product is guaranteed to not work as intended or not as intended, however you want to look at it. The money is mine, mine, mine.
Reference:
Null and Void Act of Congress (1832). An act enacted by Thomas J. Null, an American Senator from Obsingawing Wisconsin. This Act reflects his belief that no one is responsible for their actions if you declare how irresponsible you actually are. This Act has recently been used in the USA and Canada by the governments of George W. Bush (a second cousin of the Null family) and Stephen Harper (ironically closely related to the Voids of Montreal).
Warranty Signature: X
It turned out it was my daughter's roommates birthday as well, so the whole floor of her residence got in on the decorating job as you can probably tell.
Here it is as follows, if you would like to download a copy of it
http://www.filefactory.com/file/a1hd2c5/n/Boxed_Culinary_Experience_Instruction_Manual_2008.pdf :
A picture of the decorated cake is at the end of the manual.
Boxed Culinary Delight©
Instruction Manual - Version 2.56784
To glean the most out of your Boxed Culinary Delight© please follow the simple to use instructions as follows; Tradition usually dictates that you start on Step One.
1) Open Box and remove the Culinary Delight© .
2) Retrieve the candied writing utensils from the packaging and apply to the surface of the Culinary Delight© that is pleasing to your eye. That is not implying that the candied substance should be applied in your eye. Candied substance is often used to impart messages of well being or greetings on the surface of your culinary delight. It has been determined that using phrases such as, “Happy Birthday Dickwad”, does not elicit the positive emotional response that is intended by this product. It is recommended that a phrase such as “Happy Birthday Catherine” is much more appropriate. NOTE. If you have used this suggestion and decorated your Culinary Delight© with this phrase and your name is not Catherine then you have breached the intellectual guidelines and the warranty is rendered NULL and VOID. Please see the warranty section of this manual.
3) Although a large part of a pleasant experience with your Culinary Delight© , the element of surprise in not recommended for the preparation of your Culinary Delight© . If you attempt to apply the candied substance while blindfolded in an attempt to surprise yourself, you may being causing harm to the environment as well as inflicting emotional scars on anyone who has to look at it.
4) Once Step 3 is completed you may enjoy the delectable taste of your Culinary Delight© . However, if the product tastes like a combination of Kraft processed cheese slices (available where laws are applicable) and a MacDonald’s hamburger (available where no culinary laws are applicable), then please refer back to Step One and ensure you have followed that step precisely. If you have already applied the candied substance to the box and not the Culinary Delight© , please scrape the candied substance off the box and reinsert it back into the appropriately colored tubes and then restart the procedure on the surface of your Culinary Delight© and not the box. Do not spend more than 4 hours inserting the candied substance back into the squeezable tubes as this has shown to cause irreparable damage to central nervous systems. Any attempt to reinsert candied substance into the tubes using any combination of your mouth, lips and a drinking straw will rendered the warranty, NULL and VOID.
5) Once the previous Steps have been successfully completed, please remove from the accompanying box the wax colored sticks and insert them in the surface of the Culinary Delight© . In some cultures each wax colored stick represents a single year of life or in some cases represents one basis point in your IQ (please note that there are only 20 wax sticks in the package). Insert the wax sticks with the white fluffy end up, this is used for the incendiary portion of the Culinary Delight© . At the appropriate time, when all wax sticks are in place, strike a match to ignite the fluffy white end of the wax sticks. If at this time, there is a sickening odor of burning flesh, then there is a distinct possibility that you have grasped the wrong end of the match and are causing an extreme amount of pain to yourself. Before any further damage, please extinguish the fire and repeat this step once again holding the other end of the match.
6) Once the previous steps have been completed and the fire department has left, the Culinary Delight© should be presented in the appropriate manner. In certain societies, birthday greetings are often sung to the recipient at this time. If at all possible do not enjoy this moment alone. If necessary pay someone to attend. This will make your culinary experience all the more delightful. If you are alone at this time and as you stare forlornly at the Culinary Delight© you start singing in woeful tones, “Happy Birthday to Me”. Simply blow out the offending colored wax sticks and go cry in the corner. Unfortunately, this moment will probably stick with you until the termination of all life functions.
7) Enjoy your Culinary Delight© . Product is not intended to be saved and used in a yearly fashion. Please dispose of in an environmentally friendly manner. If necessary, flush twice.
WARRANTY
This product is prohibited by law in the states, provinces and regions where sensibility and reason are the primary foundation of a just and fair society.
The product warranty is rendered NULL and VOID if this is written or read in the English language. If this instruction manual is presently being read in an obscure dialect of East Timourian German or any other language recognized by the Null and Void Act of Congress (1832), then product is NULL and VOID. If this is the case, please refer back to the beginning of this section and re-read it in English. Please repeat this procedure until the instructions are clearly recognized as English. This raises a distinct philosophical question as to the concept of a universal language that is interpreted by the eyes of the preceptor. For example, if you hold this manual upside down, reflected in a mirror and read while crossing your eyes, skipping rope on one foot and humming, “Mary Had a Little Lamb” and still understand its’ content, my point has been proven. If however, this is witnessed by anybody except close family, please prepare yourself to be admitted to your local mental health facility.
This NULL and VOID is not to be confused with the wildly popular Icelandic throat humming duo Knull and Vöyd. Whose collection of their interpretation of Barry Manilow’s hit singles is sweeping the Inuit communities. However caution must be expressed as reports have trickled in that Inuit hunters’ who listen to repeated playing of “Copacabana” have caused inappropriate sexual behavior with their hunted seals. These seals, of course have no relationship to Seals and Crofts, an American singing duo or Hall and Oates another American singing duo, which ironically have no relationship to the Country group Haulin’ Oats. Previous studies have shown an increased occurrence of suicidal ideation in any group forced to listen to any rendition of Barry Manilow songs.
For this warranty to be in effect, product must be returned in its’ original packaging, with its’ original sales receipt and it’s original salesperson attached. It must be returned in person to our Head Office located in a small building beside the smelly cheese shop located in Kuala Lumpur. Please note that our offices are not open on the second Tuesday of every month as it is laundry day in Kuala Lumpur. It is also advised not to visit Kuala Lumpur on the second Monday of every month because you would never notice just the smelly cheese shop and it makes for a very unpleasant work day.
This product is NULL and VOID when all conditions are not met to the satisfaction of whoever is working the phones that day. He or she may decide what is NULL and VOID and what isn’t NULL and VOID. In fact I just like writing NULL and VOID for the sheer enjoyment of everything NULL and VOID. NULL and VOID. NULL & VOID, NULL/VOID ,N&V. EL NULLO de VOIDO.
To acknowledge acceptance of this warranty you must sign below where indicated by the “X”. If your signature is an “X” then note that this is not your signature, just a regular “X”to indicate where to make your mark. Please sign it here. Not here. There. At the bottom by the “X”. If you had to re-read any part of that this warranty is NULL and VOID.
It has occurred to me that this warranty is longer than the instruction manual, which is appropriate because we have no intention of ever refunding your money or the product. If you received product as a gift, please do not feel that this in any way represents how important people feel you are in their lives. They sent this as an after thought or out of some guilt feelings. It is probably their way of trying to avoid getting a phone call from you in the dead of the night wondering where you went wrong.. This product is guaranteed to not work as intended or not as intended, however you want to look at it. The money is mine, mine, mine.
©Culinary Delight, Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia (by the smelly cheese shop)
Reference:
Null and Void Act of Congress (1832). An act enacted by Thomas J. Null, an American Senator from Obsingawing Wisconsin. This Act reflects his belief that no one is responsible for their actions if you declare how irresponsible you actually are. This Act has recently been used in the USA and Canada by the governments of George W. Bush (a second cousin of the Null family) and Stephen Harper (ironically closely related to the Voids of Montreal).
Warranty Signature: X
© Patrick D. Scott 2008. All rights reserved worldwide.
It turned out it was my daughter's roommates birthday as well, so the whole floor of her residence got in on the decorating job as you can probably tell.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
A Eureka Moment - "American Pie"
I have never really ever been graced with a lucid and clear mind that is able to grasp all the relevant issues and then gather this information in one binding conclusion. A-ha moments (as opposed to the band) are certainly not a thing that comes along too often for me. However, when they do knock on my mental door, I almost always welcome them into my little mess.
Just recently and quite early in the morning, I may add, I did have one. Although not earth shattering in its nature nor in its relevance to the world today, but it gave me an inner sense of smugness that I was aware of something that much of the world wondered about. It was not quite of the kind that Archimedes had when he ran down the street yelling, "Eureka"!! So instead of running naked down the street, as I may have done in my earlier years, I fumbled for a pen and a piece of paper to record this revelation, something I had wondered about since around 1971. I ended up not finding either, so I took the chance that all writers take when they say to themselves this is such an incredible thought/story/song/plot (you take your pick) that I would never forget. In this case, fortune was on my side and I remembered when I awoke in the morning.
What could make me, as well of millions of other people, so obsessive about a 38 year old question? The only person who could answer the riddle, the writer, has steadfastly refused to unveil the enigma. So people, here I am to take the bows. I unveil to you the mystery of Don McLean's classic masterpiece, "American Pie".
Most people know of the references to v
arious characters in the song from Buddy Holly and the Crickets, to Bob Dylan, to the Beatles ( a take off of the Crickets) to the sinful bad boys of Satan worship, the Rolling Stones (for a complete breakdown see (http://www.faqs.org/faqs/music/american-pie/). But all that is not the point of this piece. The question really is, what is the feel of the song, what is the whole message?
So, here we go. The first thing is that American Pie is a tri-level song, meaning at different levels there are differing meaning but all add up to the same conclusion. The first level is the Marching Band/Jester level of analysis, the 'what is what, who is who' reference. The second level is a little fuzzier and only took me until about 1994 to figure out. The third level is that epiphany that I wrote about before. The actual thought behind the song, the Miss American Pie part.
The first four stanzas of the song are All American. Pick-up trucks, Chevy's, pink carnations, levees and dancin' in the gym. It is Buddy Holly, it IS American Rock and Roll. Then things changed. The day the music died. Holly's untimely death.
The second level is the advancement of each verse to a change in the style of Rock and Roll after every chorus there were new things to report in the change of music style, the Summer of Love to the violence of Altamont. With each chorus of "So, bye, bye Miss American Pie", it marked an evolution of musical tastes. From the early days of Buddy and Elvis to the more mystical styles of the late '60's. It was the transfer of music from an American influence to a British influence.
So, what is that epiphany that I had? What ties in all these three levels? Like most complicated solutions, it is disarmingly simple. Deejays in the early days of Rock n' Roll referred to record albums as platters or pies. What Don McLean wrote about was not "bye, bye Miss American Pie", but "bye bye, Miss American Record". American music to him had really died. The day the music died is not only when Buddy Holly was killed, but it was when American influence in music also died and gave way to the British invasion.
Just recently and quite early in the morning, I may add, I did have one. Although not earth shattering in its nature nor in its relevance to the world today, but it gave me an inner sense of smugness that I was aware of something that much of the world wondered about. It was not quite of the kind that Archimedes had when he ran down the street yelling, "Eureka"!! So instead of running naked down the street, as I may have done in my earlier years, I fumbled for a pen and a piece of paper to record this revelation, something I had wondered about since around 1971. I ended up not finding either, so I took the chance that all writers take when they say to themselves this is such an incredible thought/story/song/plot (you take your pick) that I would never forget. In this case, fortune was on my side and I remembered when I awoke in the morning.
What could make me, as well of millions of other people, so obsessive about a 38 year old question? The only person who could answer the riddle, the writer, has steadfastly refused to unveil the enigma. So people, here I am to take the bows. I unveil to you the mystery of Don McLean's classic masterpiece, "American Pie".
Most people know of the references to v
arious characters in the song from Buddy Holly and the Crickets, to Bob Dylan, to the Beatles ( a take off of the Crickets) to the sinful bad boys of Satan worship, the Rolling Stones (for a complete breakdown see (http://www.faqs.org/faqs/music/american-pie/). But all that is not the point of this piece. The question really is, what is the feel of the song, what is the whole message?So, here we go. The first thing is that American Pie is a tri-level song, meaning at different levels there are differing meaning but all add up to the same conclusion. The first level is the Marching Band/Jester level of analysis, the 'what is what, who is who' reference. The second level is a little fuzzier and only took me until about 1994 to figure out. The third level is that epiphany that I wrote about before. The actual thought behind the song, the Miss American Pie part.
The first four stanzas of the song are All American. Pick-up trucks, Chevy's, pink carnations, levees and dancin' in the gym. It is Buddy Holly, it IS American Rock and Roll. Then things changed. The day the music died. Holly's untimely death.
The second level is the advancement of each verse to a change in the style of Rock and Roll after every chorus there were new things to report in the change of music style, the Summer of Love to the violence of Altamont. With each chorus of "So, bye, bye Miss American Pie", it marked an evolution of musical tastes. From the early days of Buddy and Elvis to the more mystical styles of the late '60's. It was the transfer of music from an American influence to a British influence.
So, what is that epiphany that I had? What ties in all these three levels? Like most complicated solutions, it is disarmingly simple. Deejays in the early days of Rock n' Roll referred to record albums as platters or pies. What Don McLean wrote about was not "bye, bye Miss American Pie", but "bye bye, Miss American Record". American music to him had really died. The day the music died is not only when Buddy Holly was killed, but it was when American influence in music also died and gave way to the British invasion.
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