Hats Off to Samuel J.

Like many parents, I had a curious and inquisitive band of children. They didn’t merely stop at the standard questions about planets, mathematics or dinosaurs. They often went off into the murky world of why things were named a certain way. Although I did pride myself on being a virtual fount (really, that is the proper word, not font) of information of weird and wonderful facts, they sometimes had me stymied on certain topics. Which is how I came up with my friend Samuel J.

It started out innocently enough. If the kids asked me, for example, why was a Hula Hoop called a Hula Hoop. Me, being at a loss for an explanation, replied it was named after Samuel J. Hula. To me Samuel J. just sounded right. They seemed to accept this at face value and would continue on with their activities. But after a few times of using Samuel J. Insert-Last-Name-Here, they started to catch on. “My, that is a popular name,” I started to hear. “It seems like every inventor has the same first name and initial.” It was time to elevate my game, so to speak.

One of the kids asked me why ketsup was called ketsup (or catsup depending on your geography). I think I stuttered for a second trying to think of some answer (I now know it is thought to be a derivation of the Chinese word kê-chiap a fish brine) and then started into a story that this product was invented by a Samuel J. Kets, a small town confectionery owner from the midwest of the United States in 1843. During a period of time when he was playing with different concoctions he would label them Kets 1 or Kets Good or whatever popped into his head. One day he labeled a bottle, "Kets - Unlikely Product" which he shortened to UP, as he didn’t like the texture or taste and left it on his work table. Later that day his wife saw it and decided to give it a try and surprisingly, liked it. When Samuel got back to his workshop she asked him to make more of that Kets UP because she really enjoyed it. Hence the name KetsUP. The kids were enthralled with this story. Even my wife, a foodie if there ever was one, put her fork down and said, “Really?” I took and long sip from my wine reveled in my brilliance and then admitted I lied.

This followed the basic law of baffle gab, that if you give more than enough detailed and useless related information, people have a tendency to believe the facts all the more. It has always worked for politicians and I found it also worked in parenting. The challenge I soon faced was the fact that the kids started to use me as some form of perverse entertainment, to see whether I would wilt under their barrage of inquisition. I swear, they would spend their waking hours just trying to think of something I couldn’t relate to my friend Samuel J.

It has been over 10 years now that this little form of white lie has made its presence known in our household and even though the kids have mostly grown and moved out, I do get on occasion to relive my moments. Last Christmas as we were all sitting around the table for dinner and one of them wondered why a charger plate was called that. For those who don’t know, it is a decorative over-sized plate that is placed under your dinner plate. I felt all eyes swivel towards me and facing up to the challenge, I put my fork down and related this story.

“Samuel J. Charger was a much beloved landowner in medieval England when, during the reign of King Edward, the Sloven, it was decreed that an additional tax would be imposed on the citizenry based on the per serving plate of food. Now Charger, who was a true man of the people, felt that this was unfair and to get around this tax imposed by the monarch, he issued to all his people a larger than normal plate to hold more food than the average person could eat thereby letting them eat less meals per day. This soon became known throughout the land as a Charger Plate. The people were thankful for this and even though the tax was soon repealed by the heir to the throne, King Edward II, the Not-so-Slovenly, they honored their land Lord by using a symbolic over-sized plate which was placed under the normal sized plate. Hence, our tradition of using a charger plate for our formal dinners.”

As I finished this story and placed my napkin on my lap, I felt if there was ever a moment to hang up the guns and retire Samuel J., that this would have been it. But who knows? He may make his presence known again. I do hope one day to have one of my grand kids scramble onto my lap and explain to me that the inventor of their crib was a man named Samuel J. Crib. It would make me proud just to hear that.