Lotto Love

I never thought I was a particularly lucky guy. For a someone named Patrick and with Irish heritage, you would think my cup would be runneth over with fortuitous events and whiskey. But no, my cup is bereft on luck and has been empty of whiskey for many years now. My experience with any sort of lottery certainly seems to support this. My wife and I have purchased a dream home lottery ticket or two every year for 30 years now. Nada winnings. But we get to the enjoy the fact that all the money raised through this particular lottery stays in the community and does benefit many organizations and hospitals. But to be brutally honest, I would rather have the house.  

Fate, as it is wont to do, decided to accentuate the point by gifting my son and his wife who bought a ticket for the first time last year to promptly win a cash prize of $1,000. That was very nice for them and I wished them all the congratulations that a good father does, but to be again brutally honest, I would rather it had been me.

Lotteries are a big thing not only in this country, but also world-wide. Just recently someone in South Carolina won $1.6 Billion. That's Billion with a B. The obvious question is, who needs that much money, which is equivalent to the combined GDP of a few dozen countries? Well, I can honestly say, me. I mean it is only fair, right? There I am week after week, paying a voluntary tax to the Government of Ontario by buying a tickets to any number of draws. I am pinning my dreams on something that quite proudly declares that there is only a 1 in 36,000,000 chance of winning. Even on my most optimistic days, I acknowledge that to be pretty steep odds against me. I have always thought of this as a cheap form of entertainment, which it must be, as it is certainly not a well thought out plan for retirement.

My brother-in-law has played the same lottery numbers for every draw over the last 30 years. That's a lot of draws and a lot of serious dedication to playing the odds.  He is to the point that he is mortified if he would ever, ever miss a draw. He knows that as soon as he missed a draw, his numbers would come up.  This kind of handcuffs him to eternity. I am sure he is at the point that when he checks his numbers the morning after the draw, he exclaims to no one in particular, "Oh come on! 30 years! Just throw me bone, okay?" He too, likely has some choice words for Fate.

Some people do have all the luck, with lotteries that is.  There was a Winnipeg man who won a $2 Million lottery 5 months after winning $1.5 Million lottery.  Again, an example of Fate just having some fun with me. But on the other side of the coin, countless men and women who have won lotteries have reported that their lives were ruined from their winnings. Bankruptcies, dishonest people coming out of the woodwork, divorces and destroyed relationships abound amongst some lottery winners. Which also sounds disarmingly like the members of the  House of Commons. This certainly does put an exclamation mark of caution on an already cautionary tale. But it also makes a point that if you're a bit messed up when you have no money, you'll still be a bit messed up with money. But, I wouldn't let a lottery win change me. I'll still be that same slightly irritating know-it-all I've always been.

I have read many biographies over the recent years, covering the gamut of Hollywood stars, rock musicians, entrepreneurs and scientists. In most books that I have read involving scientists or entrepreneurs, they rarely have an instances where they would need to be in the right place and right time.  There is just too much slogging through the mundane aspects of the mechanics of science or the ups and downs of establishing a new industry or product. Their good fortune usually takes the form of an experiment or concept gone wrong  that results in an experiment or concept gone right out of pure luck.

With music and entertainment stars, almost all report that they were in the right place at the right time to catch whatever the wave was that propelled them to stardom.  Harrison Ford is an example of that. He was building bookshelves in George Lucas' house when Lucas noticed him and cast him in a small role in "American Graffiti".  We all know what that led to. Graham Nash of Crosby, Stills and Nash was just another guy singing harmonies on a street corner until he caught the attention of his idols, the Everly Brothers who were on tour in England. They liked his sound and eventually so did the rest of the world.

I don't think I have ever been in the right place at the right time for anything. Well, maybe on my wedding day and of course for the conception of our children, which for the record has had a pretty lucky outcome.

I think the big secret is having the feel of what places might just happen to be the right place to be. To be honest, I'm not even sure Kingston has a right place to be at the right time for fame and riches outside of a lottery win. But I am willing to give it a go if luck wants to shine a little love on me.

Love and Marriage

I've been getting a lot of "Wow's" from younger women recently. On paper that sounds pretty impressive, but in reality I admit it is not from my youthful looks or from my killer physique. In fact, the only thing my physique is currently killing is myself.  No, the compliments come when they find out I have been married to the same woman for 37 years. Invariably, that is followed by the observation that I've been married longer than they have been alive. Younger women can sometimes be so cruel. I'm sure they didn't mean to cause any offense, but once a man gets into his 60's, his ego becomes as fragile as, well, the ego of a man in his 60's.

However, they do have a point, 37 years is a lifetime for some. It is easily more than half my lifetime that I have been married. It kind of astounds me as well that I would be with the same person I met at university in 1976. How and why did I look at her and somehow make a decision that I should get to know her better. If you reflect on what force, cosmic or otherwise, which would cause a person to look at another person and make a decision to be with them for the rest of your life is rather mind-boggling. Rather frightening as well, because I would say that 90% of the decisions made in my 20's were abysmally wrong.

There are many, many factors on which a relationship can be built. Lust has been the start of some marriages and while the fires of lust burn very brightly and passionately, generally the flames are pretty short-lived. The well of lust can be a bit shallow and likely drained rapidly if that is the only thing that feeds a relationship. Lustful attraction although alluring and somewhat blinding, can be fleeting and easily replaced by another more shiny object.

Love, besides being that of a many splendored thing, is of course a main ingredient in all marriages. But love, like other things, can be ever evolving and changing. What used to produce waves of seemingly endless love can often turn into a drone of tolerance or hateful resentment.  Love can fade away, I mean I used to love Kraft Dinner as a student, now I get shivers up my spine just thinking about it.

There are cultural and societal reasons for marriage, but often these very reasons for marriage are also the reason why many people stay, or are forced to stay, in relationships that aren't healthy to either party. Marriages of convenience are not always that convenient to all involved.

I am certainly not saying that marriages based on lust, love or societal/cultural relationships won't stand the test of time.  I'm sure there are numerous examples of each of these which have endured and will endure. In my opinion, they are just not the critical factors which makes a lasting marriage work.

Over time in all healthy relationships, I becomes we, decisions are made on the basis of how each will be affected and self-centredness gives way to understanding and empathy for the other. By the time you get to over 30's years of marriage, you might just as well through up your hands on individuality and admit you have merged into one being. In the words of the Borg (not Bjorn), you will be assimilated.

Every marriage has a series of peaks and valleys. Hopefully, there are more peaks than valleys for it to work successfully. But if the valley just seems to go on forever with no looming mountain ranges in sight, it is understandable that someone may have to find another route to happiness. My wife and I have had our valleys, that I am not denying. Not everything has been roses and sunshine. But it is a matter of how these setbacks are dealt with and the commitment to work through these difficulties that help feed our relationship and longevity.

To me, however, beyond lust, love and societal factors, the thing that makes everything work is friendship. Having respect for your partner, valuing their opinion on everything and simply being able to enjoy their presence is in my opinion,  the trait which outweighs all the others. Yes, there are all those other elements that keep things going, ebbing and flowing at different times in a relationship. However, without rock solid basis of a friendship underlying all of these influences, everything else will wash away. If a bridge spanning a river is built on a sand or clay base, it will eventually wash away with the changing currents and the bridge will crumble into the water, so too in a marriage without friendship.

To most couples, at least those with children,  there are three phases in any long term marriage. Your life before children, your life with children and your life after children. All are distinct and different from one another and all carry their own challenges in any relationship.

The value of being friends is never more pronounced than it is once your children have moved out leaving just the two of you after twenty odd years of having children always around.  In those child-rearing days there was always a buffer between you and your spouse, always a third or fourth person to talk to, complain to or more than likely, complain about. Once, they have flown the coop, it's once again just the two of you looking each other in the eye. At that point you better hope you are good friends or it could make for a very long, quiet existence. But to hedge your bets, just  make sure you have two TV sets in your home.