Love and Marriage

I've been getting a lot of "Wow's" from younger women recently. On paper that sounds pretty impressive, but in reality I admit it is not from my youthful looks or from my killer physique. In fact, the only thing my physique is currently killing is myself.  No, the compliments come when they find out I have been married to the same woman for 37 years. Invariably, that is followed by the observation that I've been married longer than they have been alive. Younger women can sometimes be so cruel. I'm sure they didn't mean to cause any offense, but once a man gets into his 60's, his ego becomes as fragile as, well, the ego of a man in his 60's.

However, they do have a point, 37 years is a lifetime for some. It is easily more than half my lifetime that I have been married. It kind of astounds me as well that I would be with the same person I met at university in 1976. How and why did I look at her and somehow make a decision that I should get to know her better. If you reflect on what force, cosmic or otherwise, which would cause a person to look at another person and make a decision to be with them for the rest of your life is rather mind-boggling. Rather frightening as well, because I would say that 90% of the decisions made in my 20's were abysmally wrong.

There are many, many factors on which a relationship can be built. Lust has been the start of some marriages and while the fires of lust burn very brightly and passionately, generally the flames are pretty short-lived. The well of lust can be a bit shallow and likely drained rapidly if that is the only thing that feeds a relationship. Lustful attraction although alluring and somewhat blinding, can be fleeting and easily replaced by another more shiny object.

Love, besides being that of a many splendored thing, is of course a main ingredient in all marriages. But love, like other things, can be ever evolving and changing. What used to produce waves of seemingly endless love can often turn into a drone of tolerance or hateful resentment.  Love can fade away, I mean I used to love Kraft Dinner as a student, now I get shivers up my spine just thinking about it.

There are cultural and societal reasons for marriage, but often these very reasons for marriage are also the reason why many people stay, or are forced to stay, in relationships that aren't healthy to either party. Marriages of convenience are not always that convenient to all involved.

I am certainly not saying that marriages based on lust, love or societal/cultural relationships won't stand the test of time.  I'm sure there are numerous examples of each of these which have endured and will endure. In my opinion, they are just not the critical factors which makes a lasting marriage work.

Over time in all healthy relationships, I becomes we, decisions are made on the basis of how each will be affected and self-centredness gives way to understanding and empathy for the other. By the time you get to over 30's years of marriage, you might just as well through up your hands on individuality and admit you have merged into one being. In the words of the Borg (not Bjorn), you will be assimilated.

Every marriage has a series of peaks and valleys. Hopefully, there are more peaks than valleys for it to work successfully. But if the valley just seems to go on forever with no looming mountain ranges in sight, it is understandable that someone may have to find another route to happiness. My wife and I have had our valleys, that I am not denying. Not everything has been roses and sunshine. But it is a matter of how these setbacks are dealt with and the commitment to work through these difficulties that help feed our relationship and longevity.

To me, however, beyond lust, love and societal factors, the thing that makes everything work is friendship. Having respect for your partner, valuing their opinion on everything and simply being able to enjoy their presence is in my opinion,  the trait which outweighs all the others. Yes, there are all those other elements that keep things going, ebbing and flowing at different times in a relationship. However, without rock solid basis of a friendship underlying all of these influences, everything else will wash away. If a bridge spanning a river is built on a sand or clay base, it will eventually wash away with the changing currents and the bridge will crumble into the water, so too in a marriage without friendship.

To most couples, at least those with children,  there are three phases in any long term marriage. Your life before children, your life with children and your life after children. All are distinct and different from one another and all carry their own challenges in any relationship.

The value of being friends is never more pronounced than it is once your children have moved out leaving just the two of you after twenty odd years of having children always around.  In those child-rearing days there was always a buffer between you and your spouse, always a third or fourth person to talk to, complain to or more than likely, complain about. Once, they have flown the coop, it's once again just the two of you looking each other in the eye. At that point you better hope you are good friends or it could make for a very long, quiet existence. But to hedge your bets, just  make sure you have two TV sets in your home.